Tag Archives: vulnerable strength

Neon Mercy ©️

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I didn’t think I was going to do it—not really. I’d thought about it, maybe once or twice, late at night when everything felt heavier and the world just seemed… mean. Like it had its hand around my neck and was just waiting to squeeze a little harder.

But today, everything caught up to me. Rent’s late again. My manager cut my hours. I asked my mom for help and she didn’t even call me back. And I just sat there on my bed, staring at the cracked screen of my phone, wondering what I even had left to offer. And then, like… I don’t know, like something outside of me whispered it, the thought came back.

“You could.”

I didn’t even say it out loud. Just sat there, heart thudding, fingers numb. I told myself I was just curious. I mean, girls do it, right? I’ve seen the posts. I’ve read the threads. It’s not like I’d be the first. Not even the hundredth.

So I googled it. I looked at some ads. I didn’t even mean to go that far, but I did. They weren’t like I imagined—some of them looked normal. Cute even. Just girls trying to make it, same as me. I kept thinking: What if it’s just once? Just to catch up. Just to feel okay for a minute.

I didn’t feel okay though. My stomach was all twisted. I kept refreshing the screen, like maybe the feeling would go away. It didn’t. I made a profile. Chose a name that didn’t feel real. I couldn’t use my real one. That would make it too… true.

I stared at the “Post” button for almost twenty minutes. I was shaking. I kept hearing my dad’s voice in my head, how he used to say, “You’re better than all this mess.” But he’s not around anymore, and I don’t know if I believe that.

When the first message came in, I almost dropped the phone. He was older. Said he was “respectful.” Wanted to meet for an hour. Just talk, maybe more. Said he’d pay well.

And I said yes. I don’t know why. My fingers typed it before I could stop them. Then it was real. The world didn’t spin or anything—it just went quiet, like a pause in a song where the next note never comes.

Now I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, in a dress I used to wear to dates, and I feel… hollow. Not scared, not yet. Just weird. Like I’m floating just outside myself. I keep telling myself it’s just my body. Just for one night. I’m still me. I’ll still be me after.

But then I wonder—what if I’m not? What if something changes and I can’t ever go back to who I was before this night?

I wish someone would call me and tell me not to go. But no one will. So I’m going.

And I hope… I hope I come back the same.

The Last Son of Grit ©️

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When the air hangs heavy with failure, and the day closes in like the walls of an old motel room—where even the light through the curtain seems to pity you—you must go further down, not up. That’s the mistake people make, thinking salvation’s up there, somewhere above, dressed in sunlight and applause. But no, not you. Not now.

You must crawl into the underside of yourself. Past memory, past want. Past the part of you that still hopes someone might come knocking. This is the place where silence isn’t quiet, but electric. It buzzes. The air is thick with your own breath and the echo of every word you wish you hadn’t said. But buried there—deeper than despair, beneath the wreckage of your clean intentions—is a trembling wire of light. And it’s yours. It’s always been.

It doesn’t shout. It doesn’t shine bright. It flickers like the last neon light outside a diner on Route 63, where the waitress knows your name and pours your coffee without asking. You sit. You stir. You remember.

Because energy—real energy—isn’t some mountain sunrise moment. It’s the crackle you feel when you realize you didn’t die today. That the pain didn’t take everything. That somehow, despite it all, there’s a part of you sharpening in the dark. Getting ready. Planning.

And motivation? That’s a grudge dressed in velvet. It’s your mother’s voice saying, “They’ll never keep you down,” when she didn’t even believe it herself. It’s a ghost you dance with when the house is empty. It’s not clean. It’s not noble. But it moves you.

You don’t have to believe in a better tomorrow. You just have to reach into your own wreckage and pull out one good reason to get up. One scrap of yourself that still says: I will not end like this.

And if you can find that? You’ve already won.