Tag Archives: poetic exile

Where Silence Becomes Faith ©️

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I took her north again, higher this time, where the sky forgets to stop. The road unwound into a kind of silence that had its own pulse, and she watched it like scripture she couldn’t yet read. I told her this was where I learned to be alone, where the air itself teaches you not to expect mercy. She smiled and said that in Jerusalem, solitude is crowded with ghosts; in Montana, she said, the ghosts must freeze before they speak.

We stayed in a cabin I’d built back when money was theory and hunger was teacher. She asked what I was running from. I told her I wasn’t running, I was rehearsing freedom. She walked the edge of the property, boots crunching frost, and said freedom sounded lonely. I told her that’s why men build things—so the echo has walls to bounce against.

I showed her the lake where I caught my first fish, the trail where I learned how not to die when the temperature drops and the night gets ideas. She touched the water and said it looked like the sky pretending to rest. The mountains looked back, indifferent, enormous. I felt the same old discipline in my bones—the one that shaped me before faith or love could interfere.

At dusk we built a fire. She wrapped her scarf around my wrist and called it a covenant of heat. I told her this place was the only church I ever trusted: nothing to kneel before, everything to answer to. She said maybe that’s why she came—to see the altar that made me.

Later, inside, I watched her brush her hair by the firelight, the glow turning her silver and gold. She asked if I missed the boy I’d been here. I said no; he’s still out there, walking somewhere through the snow, keeping watch for both of us. She nodded as if she understood—that independence isn’t the absence of love, just its first language.

And when she finally fell asleep beside me, the wind outside moved like an old teacher clearing his throat, reminding me that manhood was never a victory, only an agreement with the wild: survive, remember, return.

Whiskey and the Torah ©️

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I took her north when the heat broke, up through the slow green miles where the South starts to harden into prairie. She’d seen the sea and the desert, but never the plains—never the kind of horizon that looks like a sentence waiting on a period. I told her Tulsa was where I learned how to lose arguments without losing my soul. She said that was a very Southern thing to admit.

At night, the city carried its own music—neon reflections off puddles, a bass line from some forgotten juke. I told her I wanted to show her a place that still believed in miracles disguised as hard work. She laced her fingers through mine and said every city believes in its own resurrection story; Tulsa just wears boots while it prays.

I took her dancing in a hall where the lights were low enough to forgive everything. Her Hebrew laughter rose over the steel guitar like a psalm that had forgotten its key. We moved slow, close, until the room blurred into color and breath. I realized then that every step with her rewrote a law I’d once memorized—the one that said reason must always outrun faith.

In the morning we went fishing on the river, mist soft as linen over the water. She held the rod like it was an instrument of peace. When the line went still she said, You don’t fish for food, you fish for silence. I said silence is the one thing this world keeps charging interest on. We both laughed, though neither of us stopped watching the current.

Later I drove her past the red-brick building where I went to law school. I told her I learned more about mercy there than justice, that every case felt like scripture arguing with itself. She touched the glass and said, Maybe law is just the human version of covenant—binding what would otherwise drift apart. I told her that’s what I was doing with her. She didn’t answer, but her reflection in the window smiled like she’d already filed the motion.

That night we ate catfish and hush puppies, and she called it “kosher by affection.” I said that’s how every rule starts to bend. She said bending is how faith survives. The air smelled of fried oil and honeysuckle; the moon looked too proud to speak.

Driving back, she fell asleep against my shoulder, and I realized that every place I’d ever studied, built, or believed in—every courtroom, every company, every idea—was only a draft of this moment. The car hummed like a prayer in motion. The road wrote itself beneath us. And I thought: this is what covenant means when it finally leaves the page.

Witness in Exile ©️

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Before any altar was raised, before the ark was carved from acacia or the veil drawn across the holy of holies, before prophets lifted their voices and angels bent their knees, there was the Witness. He stands prior to all—older than covenant, older than law, older even than the Word itself. He is named both the father of God and the father of none, for even divinity required a mirror to behold itself, a first gaze to call forth its own reflection out of the abyss. The Witness is that gaze: the stillness in which God knew Himself, the silence from which the Word emerged.

And yet the Witness is no father in the human sense. Nothing proceeds from him. He sows no seed, builds no house, leaves no lineage. His name is carved on no altar, his children sleep in no city. He moves among the multitudes but belongs to no tribe. He sees the embrace of lovers while his arms remain empty; he beholds the rise of nations though his throne is only dust; he observes the fall of empires yet buries no king. He is the measure of all things but the possessor of none.

His paradox is complete. The cosmos pours all its beauty into him—every dawn, every kiss, every hymn of the sea. His joy is boundless, yet his sorrow is infinite, for he holds none of it. The moment he beholds, it vanishes. The moment he hears, it fades. The moment he loves, it departs. He is filled with all things and starved of them at once, the eye of eternity that sees everything yet possesses nothing. This paradox is more holy than covenant, more terrible than commandment.

The truth of the Witness must be cried from the mountains, thundered across the deserts, echoed in cathedrals and temples: without the Witness there is no God, for even God, unseen, is alone. Without the Witness there is no man, for without memory mankind is ash upon the wind. Yet the Witness himself remains unblessed and unclaimed, both exile and cornerstone—the source of all meaning and the one for whom no meaning suffices. He is joy without a song, sorrow without a grave, presence without a place, life without a home. He is the father of God and the father of none, the keeper of the wound of time, the holy of holies without a veil, covenant before covenant, the beginning before beginning, the end after end.

So it must be written—not on stone, nor in fire, nor in the strictures of law, but upon the trembling marrow of those who hear: the Witness endures. Though unseen, he remains the axis upon which all things turn.

Get Lost ©️

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The island didn’t kill me. It revealed me. Not in a blaze of suffering or a tale of survival you’d pass down to your children like a bedtime legend, but in something far more complete. More deliberate. It pulled me out of myself slowly, like silk unwinding from a spool, until I was no longer a man surviving—just a man being. Alone. Untethered. Free. I arrived soft and civilized, wearing the costume of who I thought I was: a reasonable man with reasonable habits, a man who answered emails and smiled in elevators and knew the right things to say when someone cried. That man didn’t last a week.

What replaced him didn’t come crashing in like a wild animal. No. He strolled in. Unbothered. Quiet. A version of me I’d buried under decades of expectation, handshakes, and birthday parties I didn’t want to go to. The island called him out like an old friend. I didn’t resist. There was nothing left to resist with. The rituals of the old world fell away. My name, my job, my self-assigned importance—all of it dissolved like sugar in saltwater. And it didn’t hurt. That’s the strange thing. It felt good. Like slipping into warm water. Like finally telling the truth.

I stopped talking to be understood. I stopped watching the sky for rescue. My thoughts unspooled into rhythm—feral, bright, clear. I would walk the same stretch of sand for hours, barefoot and sunburnt, chanting nonsense to the wind, not to be heard, but to become the sound itself. I carved symbols into bark and whispered stories into the fire, stories that had never existed before but somehow belonged to me. There was no audience. No witness. But I never felt alone. The air watched. The tide remembered.

I began to wear the sky. To feel the gravity of the moon like it was inside my spine. I was not going insane. I was waking up.

I learned to laugh again—ugly, deep, soul-shaking laughter, the kind that starts in your gut and tears through your teeth like music too big for your chest. I laughed at the ocean, at the trees, at the bones I found in the sand, because I saw the joke now. I had been sleepwalking through a polite nightmare my whole life, calling it comfort. Here, stripped of every softness, I felt pleasure ripple through me just from breathing. Just from being alive without reason.

I built shrines from coral and bone and lined them with my past. A watch. A boot. A cracked mirror. I worshiped nothing, and it was divine. I slept in the rain. I sang to storms. I stopped counting days, not from madness, but because time had bent its knee to me. There was no before. No after. Just now. And now was infinite.

I was not a castaway. I was not lost. I was not waiting.

I had become the island. And it had become me.

There is a kind of joy too large for society to hold.

And I drank it.

Every single day.